before dawn

(the above images are scenes from miette in san francisco, where i very much want to visit... or apply for their baking internship!)

"be still, and the world is bound to turn herself inside out to entertain you. everywhere you look, joyful noise is clanging to drown out quiet desperation. the choice is draw the blinds and shut it all out, or believe."
-barbara kingsolver, high tide in tuscon

happy

a few things i've been thinking of lately that make me happy:

one. the movie rivers and tides, about the artist andy goldsworthy (creator of the above image), arriving in the mail from netflix today.

two. an upcoming trip to the yarn store to pick out yarn for a (purple!)scarf for mark and maybe also to buy viva poncho.

three. the charlie and lola books by lauren child. especially this one.

four. the fried chicken sandwiches from bakesale betty. with a free cranberry scone on the side. holy cow.

five. looking at the beautiful loveliness here.

six. an upcoming napa getaway this weekend, where there might be mudbaths.

seven. the husband. especially.

thirty

thirty things to do while i am thirty:

1. get a bike. ride it lots.
2. learn how to roast a chicken
3. have a baby
4. visit italy; ride a vespa along the amalfi coast
5. volunteer at the edible schoolyard; work on a farm; learn about sustainable agriculture
6. get better at chataranga and bakasana in yoga
7. get a school library credential; become a school librarian
8. bake a lemon meringue pie
9. learn to drive stick shift
10. develop a regular meditation practice
11. learn to read and speak in hebrew
12. visit esalen in big sur
13. take guitar lessons again
14. plant a garden
15. eat at the french laundry
16. do a seattle/portland/vancouver road trip with mark
17. bake jesse's magic bread-in-a-pot
18. take a ballet class
19. be less afraid of flying
20. do a mini-triathlon
21. sew a bag, a skirt, and owl napkins
22. join a csa
23. do 20 push ups in a row without falling over
24. go kayaking in point reyes
25. find a more regular spiritual practice and a spiritual community
26. explore more
27. worry less
28. stay at hope cottage at green gulch farm
29. spend lots of time with my family
30. eat the occasional joyous cupcake

birthday

to paraphrase e.e. milne, now i am 30. today is my birthday. i had a delightful weekend of family and celebrations and surprises and tastes of the above arrangement of ice creamy goodness at cafe gray, in new york. my dearest friends showed up to surprise me. i got a new green birthday coat. the plane flights were uneventful. it was good.

so now i am 30. i have been looking forward to this birthday for a long time. i don't like birthdays generally. i feel a little burdened by the passage of time, usually, like it's running out. but i am happy as a clam to be 30. it feels good. it feels like maybe some of the tsuris of the last decade is behind me. we shall see.

i don't have to go to work today, which is delightful. i get to spend the day with mark. on the agenda: breakfast at cafe fanny, a trip to golden gate park to visit the de young museum, the japanese tea garden, and the dahlias, and dinner with friends at pizzaiolo. and maybe a side trip to rei to look at the bikes. and i've been told there might be some surprises too. three cheers for birthdays.

radio silence

i am:
at home
playing video games
eating turkey
seeing friends
walking the dog
collecting yellow leaves
adventuring with siblings
doing pilates
going to the symphony
playing scrabble
experiencing slow internet
enjoying a few days off.

more soon.

prelude to lost

for the past few days, i have been thinking about a story i know. when i first heard it in israel, the context was that it was jewish in origin, but i'm sure many folk traditions have some version of the same thing. the story goes like this:

once upon a time there was a woman. one night, she was walking home from town, and it was dark outside. as she neared her home, she stepped on a snake lying in the road. she screamed, suprised and scared, and ran the rest of the way home. she couldn't sleep at all that night. she couldn't shake the feeling of being terrified by the snake.

the next morning, she slowly ventured outside, now completely anxious about seeing another snake. she walked slowly and carefully. she was scared. until she came upon the place where she had stepped on the snake the night before. she looked down and saw a stick on the road in exactly the same place where the snake had been. she looked again. the stick was the same shape as the snake she had seen. the woman realized that there hadn't been a snake at all, that the thing that had terrified her and kept her up all night and made her scared to leave her house was nothing but a stick.

so the questions that follow are: what snakes in our lives are really just sticks? what are the things that we worry about needlessly? what are the things that are different upon reflection than they first seemed? and where can we make the world a little less scary for ourselves by recognizing what's really there, as opposed to what our mind spins?

i've been thinking about this story this week because i know what my biggest "snake" is. i am terrified of flying in airplanes. and tonight i'm getting on a plane to go home for thanksgiving. so i've been spending the week so far worrying, and also eating a lot of helpful things like brownies. i know rationally that my response to flying is not proportional to the act itself. but fear isn't a rational thing. i feel really stuck in it, and really dumb and sheepish about it all.

i don't have any silver lining here. i'm just experimenting with writing about the not-so-good stuff too, along with telling you that i made my first placemats with the sewing machine and that my birthday is monday and i don't have to go to school, and that i will see my family soon and there will be mashed potatoes.

and i just really hope that someday i will be less afraid.

lost

"how do you calculate upon the unforseen? it seems to be an art of recognizing the role of the unforseen, of keeping your balance amid surprises, of collaborating with chance, of recognizing that there are some essential mysteries in the world and thereby a limit to calculation, to plan, to control."

-from a field guide to getting lost, rebecca solnit

overheard on skype

skype is pretty amazing. it lets you chat (both computer-chat and actually talk) to people who are far away, through the computer, for free. i don't know how it works. it is computer magic.

but it's a good thing, because my dear friend sarah is far away. she used to live in my house, and now she lives in israel. that qualifies as far away. but sometimes we get to skype, which is good.

sarah says many things that are wise, funny, or both at the same time. witness the comments below, from our most recent discussion about how i want to have babies but don't think i'm grow up enough:

[2:30:33 PM] rivkah says: I can’t have babies. i can hardly pack myself a lunch in the morning and im thinking i can have babies? nutso.

[2:31:04 PM] sarah kotleba says: oh you can so totally have babies. babies don't eat packed lunches.

sarah is awesome.

rambling

today i got up early to go to the gym for spinning class. this spinning is of the stationary bike variety, as opposed to the kind of spinning they do in the 4 year olds ballet class that takes place at the same time. damn, those 4 year olds are cute. tutus and all.

anyhow. the gym was closed this morning, due to some mechanical something or other. so i came home and got very cranky. i had an idea that i would go out for a walk, but all of a sudden it got very hard to do anything but sit and be cranky, and feel prematurely guilty about the walk that i was not going to take. so i decided not to walk, since i felt so cranky.

these are moments where it helps to have a partner who will, ever so lovingly, tie your shoes and literally drag you out the door by the hand. so i went for a walk.

note to self for next time: it took precisely 30 seconds to go from feeling cranky to, "hey, i'm on a walk! this is sort of nice..."

i walked up into the berkeley hills, and it was lovely. there are enough little streets that one can wander properly, seeing new things without feeling lost. the weather has been so wonky that the trees can't seem to figure out what season it is. the magnolias are starting to bloom here and there, about 3 months early. the japanese maples, however, are right on schedule and are so red. they look like something out of a crayola box. after i came home i ate some yogurt and am drinking tea and am about to try and sew some napkins. i feel much less cranky.

there's no real end to this story. my question for myself (and for you, if you like) this morning is: where are the places where we get stuck and unable to do things that we know will make us feel better? what are the benefits to staying stuck? what are the liabilities? and how can we find the emotional equivalent of dragging ourselves out the door?

ps- the napkins will have owls and chickens on them. wish me luck...

field trip!

we went to the library on a class trip today. it's national children's book week, after all. dear me, i love libraries. highlights included one student dancing around at the circulation desk, singing, "i got a library card! i got a library card!"

the above pin is what i got in the mail today. it is meant for small children. i couldn't care less. i am off to work on my application and play the guitar.

ps- national children's book week is almost over. your homework for today? go to a library.

overheard in the car

i am lucky enough to have a most delightful almost-9 year old with whom i carpool to school each morning. she says many blog-worthy things every day, but since i arrive at her house at 6:50am, i am not always so present and accounted for mentally, and often can't remember the gems. today i did:

"you know, my pen pal and i have so much in common! we both like steak, and we both have a cat! hers is real and mine is imaginary."

and

"i can't stand 3/4 length sleeves. how can any self-respecting person make bunny paws with 3/4 length sleeves?"

i have the best carpool buddy ever.

postscript

perhaps inspired by the literary theme of the week, i finally called the library school i've got my eye on today. i asked all of my questions and got good answers, and i started working on the application during a free moment at school. whee! one step closer to being a professional book nerd.

national children's book week, day three

there's really not much to say. these are my favorite children's books ever. ever. i love frances. these books are literary gold.

a few favorite lines, often quoted in my nerdy household:

"i can hardly understand what you're saying," said father. "is there something in your mouth?"
"i think maybe there is bubble gum," said frances. "but i do not know how it got there." -a birthday for frances

"well, things are not very good around here," said frances. "no clothes to wear, no raisins for the oatmeal. i think maybe i'll run away." -a baby sister for frances

"there is a giant in my room. may i watch television?" "no," said mother. "the giant is trying to get me. may i have some cake?" -bedtime for frances

"alice has no birthday. she will not have h-r-n-d. she will not have g-k-l-s." "what are h-r-n-d and g-k-l-s?" said mother. "cake and candy. i thought you could spell," said frances. -a birthday for frances

oh, and there's more, about lobster salad sandwiches, and a little tiny truck in a little tiny box, and a coffee can full of gravel, and spagetti. they are so good.

ps- your question for the day: what is your favorite children's book ever? why?

pps- i actually did pass 8th grade english and know how to make proper paragraphs when writing dialogue. blogger is not cooperating. please excuse my slapdash paragraph making. and don't tell my 8th grade english teacher.

national children's book week, day one

if you are not a librarian or an elementary school teacher or a parent or someone who works in the publishing world, you may not be aware that it is national children's book week this week. hooray! i love celebrating books. i am a fool for books. especially children's books. i like them way better than a lot of grownup books, actually.

and so... i thought i would present a few of my very favorites this week. beginning with... don't let the pigeon drive the bus!

you don't know this book? this book is fabulous. you should rush right out to your local library and borrow it, along with its siblings, the pigeon finds a hot dog and don't let the pigeon stay up late.

i love the pigeon because s/he is a smartass. a very clever one, at that. each book follows a simliar formula. the pigeon tries to convince you, the reader, to let him do whatever it is he is forbidden to do. the pigeon is very convincing. this is one of those books that kids love and adults won't get tired of because it is clever and witty. kids love this book. it was written and illustrated by mo willems, who is this hipsterish sort of dad who lives in brooklyn. he has written other kids' books too, but the pigeon books are my favorites. you really should stop reading this blog and go scooty scoot scoot and find a copy right now.

p.s. i would love to hear from you fine folks out in cyberspace (do we still say cyberspace? i felt very 1992 there for a moment) about your favorite children's books. so my question for you today is... what is the first book you ever remember reading/hearing? what do you remember about it? have you revisited it as an adult?

119

you may remember that 119 was the magic number of vitamin thingies i am supposed to swallow in a week. madness. but i finally did it, and, as promised to myself, i got prizes! behold!

and

prizes of the stationery sort are my favorite kind. and today was parent-teacher conference day so of course i needed a prize for that, so i picked up some toasty legwarmers on the way home. between them and the ballet shoes, i am fully outfitted to dance from the knees down. this is progress. i love prizes. such fun.

p.s. my next prize might need to be for the chinese herbs i'm now taking. they are not so tasty. wish me luck.

stuck

here is what i wish i could do this weekend: go to yoga, eat blueberry pancakes, take myself on a walnut square playdate (which will be blogged about later but involves cupcakes, boots, and swanky paper goods), watch more west wing season 2, sew, make a fire in the fireplace, go shopping for new pants and spinning shoes, take a ballet class, go running with mark and visit the chickens.

here is what i am doing instead: preparing for parent-teacher conferences, trying to sit still because i had a wee surgical thingie done on my back yesterday and i am trying to avoid an ugly scar. so no yoga, no moving my arms of any kind. just conference prep. but not really conference prep because i have been sitting in front of the computer for an hour google-stalking people whose lives seem more exciting than mine. this is a not a good sign. this is the beginning of the end for me. also there is the matter of those pesky wedding thank you notes. and library school research. and bill paying. but mostly conference prep.

on the upside: i get to have brunch with some lovely ladies today. the house is clean. and so far i have taken all of my vitamins every day this week so i am entitled to a prize this weekend. maybe a trip to rei to look at the bikes... also there are about 8 million things to be grateful for this morning, and if i stopped to count i could list about 7 million here.

so perhaps: i will brew a pot of tea, make oatmeal, and prep 5 conferences now, take a break to have brunch, stop at lululemon on the way home to admire the delights (and maybe get myself a prize?), prep 5 more conferences, take a walk to see the chickens, prep 2 or 3 more conferences and do something glamorous at night like sprawl on the couch watching movies with the husband, while eating something that i did not cook. perhaps i will not beat myself up for not going to yoga. perhaps i will not waste time lurking on the internet. perhaps i will buy some dahlias.

it is so tempting to spend time feeling cranky about conferences or about my back. and yet, this is what is right now. maybe there's a way to understand that without all of the attendant drama and crankiness that seems to announce itself so stridently ("i don't like my job!" "if i skip yoga today i will get fat and feel grumpy!" "it's not fair!" ). perhaps today can be an experiment about just doing what needs to be done without feeling tortured or avoiding the to-do list and teaching myself to juggle instead.

incidentally: i do know how to juggle, a little. i took an acting class in college and on the first day of class the professor told us, "if you learn to juggle in my class this semester, you'll get an a. if you don't, you'll fail." i learned to juggle.

hey baby, what's your dosha?

maybe it's a result of living in the bay area, or maybe i'm looking for something i haven't found yet, or maybe i'm just impressionable, but i find that i am interested in all sorts of "alternative" approaches to wellness and healing (one starts saying things like "wellness" and "healing" after living in berkeley for 5 years, i think). a brief list of things i've tried include massage (swedish, shiatsu, cranial-sacral, reflexology), reiki, acupuncture, chinese herbs, hypnosis, therapy, homeopathy, and ayurveda, which is a system of traditional indian medicine.

(a disclaimer: i am by no means an expert on ayurveda. i am still constructing my knowledge about it, but i will share what i sort of know here.)

according to ayurveda, there are three "doshas," or basic constitutions or types. everyone is some combination of these doshas; in most people one set of characteristics is more dominant than the other two. you might be a vata (thin, energetic, with a tendency toward anxiety at times), pitta (intense, firey, hot all the time, with a strong, sharp appetite), or kapha (thoughtful, slow to anger, heavy sleep, tendency to feel depressed). all three doshas have positive components, and also specific ways that they can be out of balance. if you are interested, you can take a little quiz to find out more about your dosha here. (i am a kapha, needless to say.)

one of the reasons i love the idea of this system is that i think people sort of are the way they are. some people are sort of mellow, some people are really intense. some people love to sleep, some people don't. while i think it's good to try to improve oneself, to try and examine and transform habits or inclinations that may not be self-serving, this idea of some basic personality that doesn't--and maybe doesn't need to-- change is so refreshing to me. it is refreshing in my personal life, and also it is very helpful at school. teaching is about 8 million things, and one of them is managing very different personalities. the kid who rolls around on the rug every morning is probably not going to turn into a kid who sits calmly at her desk. i find that when i can remember this, i spend less of the day feeling cranky.

in slightly related news: i am going to spend a month not eating sugar or refined flour, to see if the crankiness improves. an exception will be made for birthday cake.

overheard in first grade...

today's gems:

"my baby sister is so good at crawling, it's like she has a master's in crawling. it's like she has a phd in crawling."

and

after hearing a story in which a character borrows a cup of sugar:
"i couldn't lend him any sugar because we don't have any sugar at my house, but we do have xylitol."

and

"are you getting pregnant or not?"
to which i replied, after being dumbstruck for several moments,
"well, probably not today."

go speed racer

my birthday is soon.

i really want a bike.

that is all for today.

pins and needles

after school yesterday i went on a field trip to the sewing store and to acupuncture for the first time. both experiences were a little nerve-wracking, interesting, and ultimately ones i'll repeat in the future. the nice lady at the sewing store helped me find the right bobbins (fantastic word, bobbin). acupuncture was performed by the fabulous and magical bronwyn, so i knew i was in good hands. other than panicking that there was going to be an earthquake while i was alone resting with needles stuck in me pincushion-style, it turned out to be just fine.

now i am off to wind my bobbins and boil up the chinese herbs i am to take every day for the next week. since i have to go to work tomorrow (boo hiss), i am doing only fun things today. on the schedule: sadieyoga, tea at bittersweet, a picnic at the farmer's market, sewing, and one-month-of-being-married-almost dinner at lulu with the husband. hooray for saturday.

pure joy, everytime

do you like scrabble?
do you play scrabble?
do you wish that you played scrabble more?

i present to you scrabulous.com. free, online scrabble! waste more time at work!

i happen to love odd made up words that are combinations of other words. my new brother-in-law's new dog is a mix between a yorkshire terrier and a chihuahua. a yorkiwawa! scrabble is so fabulous, it's scrabulous. hooray!

the other thing i love about this website is the tag line at the top of the page when you load a game. it says:

the most amazing website for free, relaxed, online scrabble - experience pure joy, everytime.

i love this. who doesn't want to experience pure joy, everytime (sic)?

right now, i am playing a game with my mom and brother (i will almost definitely lose) and with jesse (i will absolutely definitely lose). the first graders are delighted by this, because usually i try to make a move or two while they're eating lunch. they try to suggest words, which is endearing but not very helpful.

i tend to be viciously competitive about board games. like, it's an active struggle for me not to cheat at candyland with my 4 year old niece. if i lose at trivial pursuit or scattergories, things get ugly (come to think of it, i'm not sure i've ever lost at trivial pursuit or scattergories). but for some reason, i don't mind losing at scrabble. i think it's because i know i'm not very good at it, so i don't have any expectations that i will win or do well. it's sort of refreshing, actually.

if anyone else wants to play, email me and i will invite you for a game. you'll probably win.